Wednesday, June 27, 2007

for Nika

I love you
for who you are
not for this, that
or the other thing.

You are my 2nd born
daughter, the one
with the rebel yell.

You never liked
to be scared, not like
your sister who screamed
with delight, when daddy
turned into a cartoon ogre.

You kept seeing ghosts
in the hallway of our house
on Allenby Road
so we placed garlic
behind the pictures there.

You pushed fear away
from you, sometimes
violently . . . threatening
the clear and gentle
blossoming of your aura.

Now it's your turn
to learn . . .
to let down your guard,
to breathe in the Sun

to let that radiant light
nurture and and protect

you, my darling
Lotus blossom.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Wild Mind

This morning I am dealing with my “wild mind” after a night of recurring bad dreams.

Wild mind is my metaphor for the mind that runs away from me, dreaming up possibilities that will probably never exist.

There have recently been several crises in a row in my family and my immediate family, and my tendency is to expect the worst, to begin to worry.

Worry, as I know all too well, despite being the worst thing I could do for high blood pressure, is a tendency I fall into with a stunning and deliberate ease.

And then I double the anxiety by planning avenues of attack and/or escape from the still un-manifested scenarios arising in thought, by dealing with them mentally and exhausting myself in the process.

Confusing? Yes!

This morning was one such morning and it was only when I reached the part of my morning routine that is exercise and prayer that I realized what I was doing. These disciplines, aside from being crucial to my physical wellness help me focus.

The focus is then not on the thoughts, but on the physical movement, the words of the prayers and the breath.

Breathing is the one touchstone that is common in the prayers and meditations of every world religion, just as it is in music.

By breathing, I don’t mean some sort of artificial pattern imposed on the breath like 7-in, 4-out but rather the awareness of the rising and the falling of the breath, the natural in and out flow of it.

Keeping the attention on this is at the heart of Zen meditation.

As my friend Paul Reps used to say, “Don’t breathe...be breathed”.

If I do this mindfully, there is no time to follow my wild mind into the flowery canyons of fantasy, euphoria or horror.

I am so very thankful for this teaching. It has helped keep me sane.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

A Few Notes

Those who read my blog may wonder what happened to me this month!

It's not that I haven't wanted to post something, but I like to be upbeat and this month I have been dealing with the health and mental health issues of a dear family member who is recovering from a serious surgery in St. Paul's Hospital.

This has put a serious dent in my "up-beatness" and left me feeling depleted.

A couple of my co-workers have teased me good-naturedly, asking if I am grumpy today or mimicking my facial expressions.

So those of you at work, if you sometimes see a rather grim faced co-worker sitting there staring off into space, know that this is not vacant staring but me trying to gather the strength and energy I need through a form of simple breathing meditation.

I have practised this for over 40 years now, but in times of stress, the focus is sometimes a little more obvious.

Enough said about this for now!

I am so very grateful for the return of the warmer weather, and have been lucky to have sunshine on my recent days off.

It is Saturday morning, mid-week for me, and as I sit at my computer, sip my self-alloted cup and half of brewed coffee and chew on my walnut-halves and banana daily energy snack, I give thanks for the prayers, comments and support of my family and friends.

I also give thanks for the staff and support at St. Paul's Hospital...what a loss to this neighborhood it would be if that hospital were to close.

Just the other day now, they saved the life of someone I love.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Two Healing Dreams

I have been in the habit of watching late night TV after my work shifts but have noticed the past few nights, I've been more tired than usual. Last night, just after midnight, I decided to turn in early and was rewarded for this by two healing dreams.

Most of my dreams in the past year have been far from pleasant and so this is a pleasant shift in visual imagery from many of the others.

In the first dream I was a child in a large playground and across the lot I could see a young, blond girl who I once knew in my youth and to whom I was attracted but in the dream I was too shy to go over and talk to her.

There was a thin rail, not a fence but more like one of those skateboarders rails which went all the way across the playground and I began walking along it. I was thinking "I am too old to do this", as I was also me and my own age at the same time.

I was wearing sneakers in the dream, very lightweight, white low rise ones and was able to balance all the way across the field toward the young girl who stood waiting. I was surprised that I didn't fall off and more surprised that I didn't have to initiate any conversation as we were suddenly talking in the most natural way.

After a bit, I saw a 6 or 7 year old Kadir who seemed to be not my son, but my younger brother. He was standing at the other end of the rail watching us.

I asked the girl to invite him over, as I thought he might not come if I did. She called to him, and he too hopped up on the rail and balanced over. By the time he arrived, he had become a playful cute young puppy who stood up and put his paws on my leg so that I could pet him.

In a second dream I seem to be involved in a pursuit. I was a knight but had no armour, and was being chased by more knights who then morphed into modern day soldiers in full battle dress.

I and two others with me jumped into a compact yellow sports vehicle with black trim and tried to speed away but the car was trapped from behind in some sort of mechanical jaws that began to crush and eat the metal, threatening to crush us with it. I saw that if I didn’t open the door now, I would not be able to and so I got out just in the nick of time and raised my hands in surrender.

The two others in the car were doing the same thing on the opposite side, where it seems the pursuers had also gathered. I was alone on my side of the car. Where the car had been there was now a kind of covered open space into which a young woman whirled like a dervish.

Her hair was short, curly and reddish brown, she was very pretty and she was wearing a rust-colored costume on the breast of which was emblazoned a swirling sun-like crest. She spun face to face with me and put her upraised palms against the palms of my surrendering hands in a kind of salute.

Then to her left, a young blond haired girl of maybe 8 years old appeared and the two of them began to dance for me, bringing me to tears. I felt like my heart was breaking with joy and sadness at the same time. After all, I was expecting to be shot!

This morning, in the aftermath of these positive dream images, I am feeling full of life and energy.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Low Powered Adjustments

Paul Reps once told me, “Watch a cat or a child make low power adjustments to conserve and boost energy.”

This morning, the second of my days off I woke to face the litany of tasks that I had promised myself to finish and after several trips out and back home, I was starting to feel pretty tired.

I had already walked several miles, slowly, methodically doing my self-appointed errands and finally, walked back up to Shopper’s to check my blood pressure. Yep! There it was again, despite almost completing the course of my current meds, still over the top and in the red zone.

I had been feeling very shaky and tired all morning and just wanted to go home and lie down, but once there, dragging myself in the door, I recalled that line by Reps.

It was not a beautiful sunshiny summery day, but it was pleasantly cool and slightly cloudy and it was only just coming up to 3 p.m.

So I put on my jacket and headed back down to the seawall, intent on one more walk but it would not be a leisurely stroll today. I needed a boost and so I was going to pick up the pace. Just slightly!

The moment I walked outside I consciously put that extra ounce of oomph into my step and posture, swinging my arms and walking just close to quickly, but not really quickly.

The first 10 minutes was rough going, as I wanted to turn around and go back home but I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and within 20 minutes, I was headed east along the seawall, then back again under the Burrard Street Bridge to 2nd Beach, half way there, and with a pleasant tingling sensation in my body and a smile lighting up my face.

There is a local resident I pass on a regular basis who usually has a scowl on his face when I say hello, and grudgingly returns my greeting. (He returns a kind of grunt, giving me the impression that he is fed up with my greetings.)

But today, I saw him coming my way and instead of avoiding eye contact I threw out a hearty, “How are ya?” from a fair distance and to my shock, he looked at me, our eyes met briefly and the beginnings of a smile flickered over his face as he responded, “Fine, and you?”

“Good”, I replied and felt good as I passed him thinking wonders will never cease.

By the time I got home, my jacket was around my waist and I was sweating a bit and feeling lots of energy.

The intent, or so it seems, is everything!